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(Anniversary of the Battle of Stirling Bridge
- when the Scottish-Fold cat army thrashed the invading English
Poodles.)
7:20 AM: Created my plan to be the
first cat to climb Everest.
Today : Climb the poplar tree in the garden.
Tomorrow : Climb the biggest oak tree in the
park.
Next day : Climb the huge hill beyond the
woods.
Next, next day : Climb Everest - though if
the journey takes more than a few hours I may need to postpone
this to the next, next, next day.
11:20 PM: I began my ascent of the
poplar at 7:30 AM precisely. I am obviously gifted with a
natural talent for mountaineering for I reached the top in just
four minutes. It appears that Everest would not be such a great
challenge after all. The view from the top of the tree was
exceptional - I could see right along the alley to the bins.
There were two cats at the bins but from this height they looked
just like mice. (Or they might have been mice that looked like
cats looking like mice.) It was around 7:37 AM that the whole
mountain climbing idea took a nose dive, for it became apparent
that although I was an outstanding climber I was absolutely
useless at unclimbing. In other words I was STUCK. For the first
hour I acted like a cat who was enjoying the view from the top
of a high tree. For the next hour I acted like a cat who was
tolerating the view from the top of a very high tree. After that
I acted like a cat who was terrified of the view from the top of
an extremely high tree.
I meowed at the top of my voice, “Help!
Help! Help!”
Brutus stopped chasing his tail and laughed
so hard that he peed all down his legs. Lucky appeared from
under the hedge and Brat stopped crashing toy cars and began to
giggle. Even Brat-2, who was in his pram looked up and blew
bubbles in amusement. It seemed the whole world had turned up to
enjoy my embarrassment. But no one did anything to help. I
meowed again and again and again. At last Skirt come out of the
house - she would know what to do.
“Silly Pussy,” she said, “come down at once.”
Well that was as useful as telling a
decapitated mouse to avoid dining at mouse traps! My fear and my
embarrassment fought with each other to decide what to do next.
My fear won and I continued meowing at the top of my voice.
Trousers came out of the house and neighboring humans stared
from windows.
“Addy up a tree,” said Brat helpfully.
Trousers brought a stepladder and placed it
by the tree. He climbed up but couldn’t reach me. Just when it
looked like I would be stuck forever a big red fire engine
arrived and, as the whole universe looked on, I was
unceremoniously rescued.
11:55 PM: I am curled up in my worry
blanket while my dignity goes off on a long trip to purgatory. I
am reconsidering my plans for I don’t know if they have a fire
engine large enough to get me down from Everest. I may content
myself with being the first cat ever to climb the poplar tree in
my garden.
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